“Dear Advisor. I am writing to ask for some advice. I have been married for almost two years. We have had many issues which I have written into this service for in the past.
I have found out again that my husband has wrongly borrowed money from his friends and has gotten himself into terrible debt in which I have had to spend my life savings in repaying. This is not the first time it has happened.
He has broken my promise yet again and I feel so deflated. We were on breaking point over the last few months but as I am going through some psychotherapy, I decided to hold off on any decision making regarding our divorce and marriage.
But now this bombshell of another borrowing of money and another debt has meant that I am at a loss once again.
He is accepting his wrongs as he did before, but I feel useless; my advising him is ignored time and time again. I feel a loss of trust in him. He hasn’t taken care of me; I have had to escalate this particular debt situation to his family as I was so out of pocket.
I just don’t know what to do. Please advise.“
As-Salamu Aleikom,
Thank you for reaching out with your question. I do not have access to your previous question so I am not able to respond with a previous reference point. So, keep this in mind as I try to offer some guidance to you insha’Allah.
May Allah reward you for initially aiming to help your husband manage his debt. You did that out of a desire to be supportive and resolve the situation.
Money is not easy to part with, especially when it’s to fix a mistake someone else consciously chose. You aimed to help your husband and cover his faults for him. This is an admirable intention.
But as you’ve experienced, you can’t keep helping him out of the situation, even if you had the money. He has to learn how to work with the money he has and budget accordingly.
Consequences Help People Change
I don’t know where the money is going, whether it’s investments that fall flat, business ideas that don’t yield results or simply spending money on things not needed that are out of a budget. Either way, the consequences of his decisions may be the only thing that helps him change.
You involving his family at this point in time, though difficult for both of you, was a good step to take because it invites other people into his accountability circle aside from you.
The objective is to help him have people who have more wisdom and experience and can help him understand what’s really going on beneath the surface. I hope the elders in the family you are involved in can serve this role for him vs. him feeling more shame in front of his family.
At this stage, it sounds like one of the first things he needs is financial counselling so that he can be helped to understand how to spend what he has and manage the reality of his current financial situation. Money can be a tricky thing for people to understand and work with, so considering this route may be a form of support for him.
Financial counselling, however, can only be useful if there aren’t any major emotional issues contributing to how he is spending the money given to him.
Second is a need to understand what is driving his expenses and ask him to consider getting support with counselling. If his expenses are based on irrational emotional decisions such as gambling, high-risk investing seeking a thrill, or the need to spend on pricey items like new technology, a new car, or expensive gifts for others.
Some people literally cannot help themselves and therefore need accountability and counseling to change their addictive spending habits.
Creating a Budget for Your Expenses
What can you two do together that is productive for you as a couple?
When it comes to you being taken care of this might be a good time to sit down as a couple and lay out all of your normal expenses. Rent, clothing, food, utilities, transportation, etc.
You can also continue to maintain your own bank account so that if you are earning money you are able to control how it’s spent. While not everyone is a fan of separate bank accounts, in your specific case, until your husband has helped this may be the wisest decision because it allows you a form of protection.
He is Struggling, but Is He a Good Man?
I understand that he has broken your trust a number of times and this has been really difficult for you to go through. Financially, he struggles to handle money correctly. Outside of this area, is he otherwise a good man?
Does he treat you well? Is he loyal? Is he kind and helpful in other ways? If he is, then fighting for him to get help means fighting for your marriage too.
You can love him fully and still be hurt by his irresponsible behavior. You can tell him you are here for him. However, place conditions that will help him help himself. Not by standing against him, but rather, standing next to him to do what it takes for him to heal from what is hurting him.
You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. It’s your marriage and this is your life. No one can demand you tolerate something that is too much for you. I am encouraging you to consider if there are enough good qualities in him to stick through this so you both can grow together.
To determine this, you can have to make a firm decision and let him know what that is. If he does certain things, then you are here to support him. But if he doesn’t, will you leave? What has to happen for him to repair the damage done and earn your trust again?
Having a concrete conversation that is thought out and shared when you aren’t emotional can go far in terms of how you communicate with each other.
Make Du’aa’ for Him
When you feel helpless, turn to Allah and seek patience and guidance. Ask Allah to help your husband find healing, help, and growth so he can recover from this terrible situation he has created for himself and has put you through at the same time.
Your Lord is the All-Powerful and the Most-Merciful. You can never be at a loss if you turn to Him. Making du’aa’ can also keep your faith strong while you struggle through this test.
May Allah grant you strength, wisdom, and the ability to do what is best for you and your husband’s dunyah and akhirah.
