Sister sent this question: “As-salamu Alaikum, My son is 16 years old. Recently, discovered that my son was surfing porn websites. He doesn’t know that I know about this. And I don’t know what to do.
I can’t tell his father about this, because he might get violent and it could be a fight. Please help, What should I do?”
As salamu alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing to us. Your son is at that age wherein sexual curiosity is high, and normal.
Watching porn is a common problem with teens (and adults), Muslim and non-Muslim alike. However, as you know, porn is haram and your son should be discouraged from seeking out and watching porn sites.
What kind of a relationship does he have with his father? You stated if his father found out, that his father would get violent or start a fight.
That is not a way to treat a young adult/child as I am sure you know, violence is not acceptable. It will only push him further away from possibly his family and even Islam.
If violence and anger are used to instill Islamic values and principles-that is a conflict for your child knows anger and violence are not our way.
Therefore, anything else that is said about Islamic matters may not be taken seriously in light of this conflict.
Perhaps you may have to take it upon yourself or engage an understanding uncle or another male figure to speak with your son.
While this is not to go over his father, this is critical for your son’s life and his Islamic values.
Puberty age
There is a great need to impart educational information, Islamic teachings and provide an opportunity for your son to feel safe and secure in sharing his feelings regarding this and to answer any questions he may have.
He also needs to be taught alternative means for harnessing his sexual desires and a trusted adult to talk to about his concerns and/or questions.
Is he able to talk to his father about sensitive matters at all? Have either you or your husband talked with your son about the changes his body and emotions go through during puberty (a little late now though)?
Have you talked with him about sexuality, desires, marriage in an Islamic context? If you haven’t had this conversation, this may be why in part he is seeking porn sites, to learn. Also, it is a stimulation as we know.
Dear sister I would kindly advise that if you can’t go to your husband for help with this issue and you have no other male figures to step in, then you should insha’Allah speak with him yourself.
I would not come out and say you know he has been seeking or watching porn.
Bring Him Closer to You
This would only embarrass him and possibly make him withdraw from any conversation.
It could also cause him to be more careful in his seeking out porn sites so you will not find out. The goal is to bring him closer to you, not push him away.
Insha’Allah, find a time when things are calm and take him out for lunch, or another activity wherein you can talk.
I would begin to address the topic by bringing up how proud of the fine young man he is becoming, and you know it must not be easy as you realize at this age he is going through a lot of changes emotionally and physically. I would ask him if he is interested in girls yet or thinking of a future marriage.
Open Discussion
I would inshaAllah, begin to discuss sexuality, emotions/feelings and tell him that it is a normal part of growing and being human.
You may want to give an example of something you experienced as a young girl, such as a crush on a guy and how you handled it.
In this way, he will feel you are able to relate to him and you are not just sitting there lecturing or judging. I would also go over Islamic values regarding keeping chaste.
I would ask for his opinions and input on the subject. Don’t make it a one way conversation or lecture, but insha’Allah, try to make it a two-way engaging conversation wherein he also is expressing is feelings and views.
Try to work into the discussion topics of entering adulthood such as the dangers of being alone with a girl, the consequences associated with not following Allah’s commands to keep chaste, as well as the benefits of keeping chaste and pure.
Discuss the prevalence and dangers of pre-marital sex and porn in our society, as well healthy outlets for his sexual desires and curiosities.
Surfing Porn Websites
You may want to offer him some concrete suggestions on how to handle his budding desires such as avoiding movies, internet sites and TV shows that are stimulating such as ones showing half naked females.
If he feels he may become aroused or lose control to leave the situation which he is in; developing a productive, tight schedule that does not leave a lot of time for idle thoughts.
Also watching the company he keeps, making sure his friends are ones who desire to follow Islamic values; suggest getting involved in Islamic boys groups and clubs for positive Islamic growth and socialization as well as remind him that Allah loves him and desires for him to be pure in heart and body for his future wife-just as he would want his future wife to be pure and chaste.
Allah Accept our Repentance
Remind him that we are all human and we all make mistakes and sin, but that Allah loves to forgive and encourage him to repent and seek Allah’s forgiveness if he does fall short. Encourage your son to read Qur’an as well as increase his duaa to Allah to help him through these difficult years. Insha’Allah, remind your son that you love him and that you are there for him if he ever needs anything or ever has questions.
Insha’Allah, you will be able to form a lasting bond with your son which will decrease these behaviors and guide him towards more healthier outlets. You are in our prayers sister, we wish you the best.
