Sister sent this question: “Assalam Alaikum, I’m an 18-year-old girl and I need some advice. It has been 25 years since my mom and dad got married and I’ve rarely seen them happy together. When I was a kid I didn’t get much bothered by their arguments, I overlooked it but as I’m growing up I can’t just turn away from the fact that my mom is hurting and my dad doesn’t even care much.
My friends used to convince me by saying that it’s a normal thing for parents to disagree and argue from time to time and I shouldn’t be bothered much because eventually, things will turn out to be good. But day by day things are getting worse and I see no hope, the love between them is dying. It’s almost impossible for them to spend a day without arguments.
They don’t exactly fight, it’s like they don’t care about each other anymore. Both of my parents love me and I just want to see them happy together. I just don’t know how to do this. I always make dua for them but in the past few days, I feel like I’m losing hope. Please tell me some dua that I can make for my parents to restore the love between them and please make dua for my family.”
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Parents often don’t realize the impact of their relations on their children. Unfortunately, in cases like yours, the impact can be devastating. It can lead children to have bad ideas about what marriage is and should be and ultimately lead them to have bad relationships themselves as this is what they perceive to be normal.
With your friends telling you that this is also normal, you become at risk of this. They are correct that disagreements between spouses are normal, but only to a certain extent.
It seems that your own parents are having problems beyond the odd disagreement. This isn’t normal and nor is it healthy for them, or for you.
It is heartbreaking for a child to see the 2 people that they love the most fighting and so unhappy when all they want to see is them feeling happy. Parents don’t often realize this, or play it down since the children are not directly part of the argument.
Therefore, one thing you could do if you feel comfortable with, is to let them know how sad it makes you feel to see them always arguing and unhappy. Perhaps they are not aware of the impact of their behavior.
If you are not comfortable to do this yourself, you might consider asking someone else who knows you all to tell them that they can see that their negative relations and arguments are making you upset.
If you are comfortable with, you may even suggest marriage counseling to them so that they can sort out their differences with a professional who can guide them.
Perhaps you could find a way to organize a chance for them to do something nice together, even if it’s just going out for dinner, or you could even be the one to cook for them at home and set up a romantic dinner for them.
Often couples lose sight of why they fell in love with one another, getting stuck in the same routine day after day which only turns a relationship stale. Spending time together, doing something romantic together can help to encourage a more loving and caring approach to the relationship.
Another thing to try could be encouraging them to try something entirely new. You can be involved in this too. If there’s something that you or they have always wanted to do you could either organize it yourself or encourage them too. Done something totally different can be not only a route to having fun but also breaking free from the usual mundane cycle.
Again, this could be another way to change their routine of fighting, coming together to try something new and fun. Something to laugh about and create new and positive memories.
Aside from this, never give up hope. It is important to remain patient in your prayers for them in the hope that things will change between them.
Continue to make du’a for them consistently.
May Allah make it easy for you and may He plant the love back between your parents that they will be the coolness of each others eyes once more.
